The Fight

Dwight: This is totally unprofessional

Jim: Well, you're the one that lost your desk

Dwight-Hello sensae, its sempie... Dwight. Arigato kogi master...
Jim- Was that your mom.
Dwight- no, I am now assistant sensae.
Jim- Assistant to the sensae?

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew…World War II veteran. My father battled blood pressure and obesity. Different kind of fight.

Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work

Jim-Dwight, as sempie, do you think there will be a day when humans and robots, can peacfully coexist?

Dwight:- impossible, the way they are programmed.

Dwight- I am not afraid to make an example of you.

Michael- Hey its the karate kid, the Hilary Swank version.
Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott
Ryan: Ok, to what?
Dwight: Just put...The...Hospital. Contact number...just put 911.Michael: He is such a sore loser.

Michael: Look. Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon, he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Michael, I told you. That was because it was New Year's Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

Michael: I've beat up black belts.
Jim: How'd you know they were black belts?
Michael: They told me. After.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Oscar: Michael, can’t your conversation wait until Monday?
Toby: We want to go home…
Michael: Yeah, well you don’t even have anyone to go home to, Toby.

Halloween

Jim:- Im three whole punch version of Jim. You can have me either way, plain white Jim or three whole punch.

Dwight- ya well look what about me... Im a Sith Lord.... Big deal threee round pieces of paper taped to a shirt... This cost me 129 Dollars

Dwight- Cumberland Mills? How did you get my resume- Im just not sure that its my official resume... What does it say under Matial Arts Training- oh okay I'm going to need to suplement that. Can I have your Fax number.

- Pam, Oscar, merideth kelly, jim, stanly, angela, phyllis... No tell him not Dwight... Quiet YOU!!!

- I am all about loyalty. in fact I feel that part of what I'm being payed for here is loyalty. But if there is another place that values my loyalty more ... Im going to wherever they value loyalty, the most.

Creed- Have you turned in the papers yet... you dont have to do this michael... we can fight it like the old days.


Dwight- What do you mean Martial Arts Training is irrelevant? uh.. Excuse me... I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ.

The Fire

Dwight:- Michael is in there evaluating the temp. he hasnt evaluated me in years

Ryan: - I want to stanrt my own business

Michael- that is rediculous

Michael- there are ten rules in business... number one... you need to play to win, but you also win to play.... and I'll give you the rest of the ten at lunch

Michael- I know they say women and children first, but we do not employ children, and women are equal... so if I let them out first... I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: Get out STAT- STAT means now!

- Great response time. listen up... I have some theories.

Angela- ya I would bring the DaVinchi Dode- so I can burn the DaVinchi Code

Dwight: Thats going to keep you warm for about 7 seconds.

Michael-you know who else didnt go to business school- Lebron James, Tracy McGrady...

Jim- All time Favorite Movie?

Dwight: The Crow

Jim: Come on Dwight... Use Words

Pam: You know what Ryan probably thinks... I wish I was a volunteer Sheriffs Deputy on the weekends.

Dwight: I wish the war goes on forever, and ryan gets drafted.

Dwight: RYAN STARTED THE FIRE... it was always burning since the world was turning... blablablabla... Marlyn Monroe... blablabla... Richard Nixon

Michael- Ryan is book smart. and I am street smart and book smart.

Office Olympics

Michael:

Back in olden days they wouldnt even let you vote if you didnt own land. And they would throw you in the stalks and humiliate you.

Michael- "this ist about work, its personal."

Dwight:- "So your taking a personal day."
Dwight:

-"maybe they should bring them back, there would be less trouble makers."

- "He's like motzart, and I'm like Motzarts friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassedy and he's like Motzart. If you mess with Motzart, you're going to get a bullet in your head. Courtesy of Butch Cassedy.

- Dwight: "Check it out... Terminator"

- Michael: "I do not understand what you spend your money one."

- Kevin: we call it hateball... becasue of how much Angela hates it.

Michael- "someday I can see my grandkids learning how to walk out here... put up a tireswing... no, it's this one..."

Dwight:- "No, neighbor throws his wife into the wall. Plasma hits the ground.

-" you know that extra bedroom... if the whole girlfriend thing never works out, thats where the nurse can live... hey look carpenter ants."

-"having a 30 year mortgage is like michael is buying his own coffin. If I were buying my coffin I'd Buy one with thicker walls... so you could'nt hear all the dead people."

-"Question.. where can I put my terrarium? Question... my grandparents left me a large number of armiours... Question.... How are we going to work out the carpool?"

-"Thank Goodness....It was nice of him to offer but I have a house with 9 bedrooms.... my own archery range... but two bathrooms would have been nice... we only have the one. and it's under the porch."

- Michael- "You should grow candy"

The Dundies

Michael:

- "Kevin, like who's going to give Kevin an award. Dunking Doughnuts."

- "It's Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert"

-"The P.L.O the I.R.A. and the hotdog stand behind the Warehouse... Name 3 buisinesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin."

- "No reason? it was the 05/05/05 party. It happens once every Billion years!"

Michael: "Why don't you show everyone your dundies?"

Dwight: "Mine are in a displaycase above my bed."

Dwight:

-"Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less."

-"Excuse me everyone! I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. especially the ones that wrote that stuff about michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privalige. It is called a laides room for a reason. and if you cannot act like ladies, you will not have one. We will have two mens rooms. Be prepared to hold it folks. From 9 am- 5pm."

- "The waitress tripped on the cord"

Michael:

- "please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump, and spill your drink."

- "this next award goes to someone who really lights up the office. and someone that we all can't help but check out. The hottest in the office award goes to Rayan the Temp."

- "it is so hot out there. Now I know how Bob Hope felt, when he performed in Saudi Arabia."

Pam

- "I have so many people to thank. lets give michael a hand... and Dwight. So... Finally I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie... and I feel God in this resturant tonight... WOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Dwight- "I had to check her pupils to chack for a concussion"

Pam-

- "I feel bad about what I wrote about Michael on the bathroom wall."

Hot Girl

Jan: Are you listening to me Michael?
Michael: Affirmative.
Jan: What did I just say?
Michael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said...
Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!
Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael.
Michael: Okay
Jan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Uh, huh.
Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.
Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can.
Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...
Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize.
Michael: I didn't mean me!


Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight: Sex.
Michael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight: Torture.
Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid.
Pam: Uh, Michael?
Michael: Pam!
Pam: Hey, there's a...
Michael: Burger with cheese!
Pam: There's a person here...
Michael: And fries!
Pam: There's...
Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead.
Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.
Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her.
Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her.


Katy: This one is hand embroidered.
Michael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?
Katy: Katy.
Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.
[Pam looks embarassed at Michael - Katy looks sympathetically at Pam]
Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.
Dwight: So am I.
Michael: Nobody cares what you think.
Dwight: Doesn't matter.
Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day.
Katy: Wow, thanks.
Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
Michael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.


Michael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.


Michael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be.
[Katy unpacks her handbags]
Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here.
Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks.
Katy: What?
Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.
Katy: Regular coffee is fine.
Michael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb
Katy: No really it is.
Michael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?
Katy: Bring it on.
Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.


Kevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?
Pam: No.
Kevin: She's prettier than you though.
Pam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.
Kevin: [nods]


Katy: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?


Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.


Michael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?
Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um...
Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?
Ryan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers.
Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?


Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy.
Oscar: I'm on the phone.
Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
Katy: That was on Sesame Street.
Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?
Katy: No, I don't believe that.
Michael: I know, it's unbelievable.


Pam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with.


Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.
Katy: Hi
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool. What year were you there?
Toby: Eighty-nine.
Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby: A girl.
Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.


Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.


Roy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?
Jim: Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you gay?
Jim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope.
Kevin: What is your type?
Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged.
Roy: Engaged, yeah.


Jim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.


Jim: She'd be perfect for you.
Dwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot.
Jim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss.
Dwight: That's true.
Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there.
Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Jim: It's all gold.


Katy: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions.


Jim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back.
Dwight: What's that?
Jim: You buy a purse.
Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.
Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them.
Dwight: Like those?
Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
Dwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going...
Jim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.


Jim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good.
Pam: [smiles]
Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?
Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.
Pam: Oh!
Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all.
Pam: Oh...
Jim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?
Pam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad.
Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh...
Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good.
Pam: [smiles in agreement]
Jim: He did pick a good one.
Pam: You're horrible.


Katy: This one's really good for a hot date.
Pam: Yeah, what's that?
Katy: [laughs]
Pam: I'm engaged. So...
Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Pam: I wished, right?
Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?
Katy: Good.
Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?
[Pam sheepishly hands Katy the purse and leaves]
Katy: [whispers] Sorry.
Michael: Busted.
Katy: [to Pam] Come back...
Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones.
Katy: Is that from Starbucks?
Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Katy: Wow. Is that for the office?
Michael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!
Katy: I wouldn't think of it.


Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!


Michael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter?
Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.
Michael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...?
Katy: Oh no, it's um...
Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Katy: No...
Michael: Seriously. No, really.
Katy: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you.
Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp.
Katy: At five?
Michael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves.
Katy: Okay.
Michael: What?
Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay.
Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Katy: Okay. Cool.
Michael: Excellent.
Katy: Cool.
Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay.


Michael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
Dwight: It's actually better this way.
Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto---
Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because...
Michael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not.
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.
Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
Dwight: What?
Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...
Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?
Michael: No. I cannot promise you that.
Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?
Michael: Listen, Dwight.
Dwight: Do you love her?
Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]


Katy: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that.
Stanley: Hmmm...
Michael: Espresso?
Katy: Oh, thank you.
Michael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office?
Michael: Ummm-hmmm...
Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.
Michael: Very easy to clean.
[Stanley walks out]
Michael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]


Michael: Did we get any mail?
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...
Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door]
Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?


Jim: A futon?
Pam: [nods]
Jim: He's a grown man
Pam: That's what he said.
Jim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]
Roy: What's up?
Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi.
Roy: Are you still mad at me?
Pam: Roy...
Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam]
Pam: Cut it out.
Roy: Come on, you mad at me?
Pam: Stop it. [laughing]
Roy: Are you still mad at me now?
Pam: [giggling] Cut it out.
Roy: Are you mad at me now?
Pam: Stop. [giggling]
Roy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding.
Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe.
Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't...


Pam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.


Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?
Angela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping.
Katy: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality.
Angela: Yeah, uh no.
Dwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?
Katy: I don't think so I'm really busy.
Dwight: It will just take a second.
Katy: I can't.
Dwight: Just for a minute.
Katy: I really can't.
Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Katy: No.
Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?
Katy: Both.
[Dejected, Dwight walks out slowly]
Katy: What colors do you like?
Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.


Michael: Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project?
Ryan: I would love to.
Michael: Alright.


Michael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Ryan: You don't want to recycle them?
Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]
Michael: No.
Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast.
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you.


Jim: Hi.
Katy: Hi.
Jim: I'm Jim, by the way.
Katy: I'm Katy.
Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you.
Katy: You sit out there, don't you?
Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses.
Katy: Okay, um...
Jim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn.
Katy: Okay. [laughs]
Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can...
Katy: Okay.


Michael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept.
Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.
Ryan: Well, it's empty.
Michael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out.
Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: [Under his breath] Still.


Jim: What's up?
Pam: I'm bored.
Jim: Thank you for choosing me.
Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?
Jim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: What are you guys going to do?
Jim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam: That's great.
Jim: And stuff... yeah.
Pam: That's cool.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: 'Cause Roy's got a truck.
Jim: That's cool.
Pam: Uh, huh. Yes.
Jim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right?
Pam: Great.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Okay, I'm gonna head back.
Jim: Alright.


Michael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know.


Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you.
Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim.
Jim: Goodnight, Michael.
Michael: Where you going?
Jim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think?
Michael: With us?
Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook.
Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Jim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael]
Michael: Alright, have fun.
Katy: Thanks.
Jim: I got it.
Michael: Don't drink and drive.
Michael: Take it easy.
Jim: Have a good night.
Michael: You too, have a good night.
Katy: You got that?
Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter.
Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay?
Katy: Why?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay.
Katy: It's a... it's a very nice car.
Jim: You're not going to freak out?


Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.

Basketball

Michael: [to Jim]: Hey, you ready?
Michael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent.
Dwight: Michael!


Michael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.


Michael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Michael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Dwight: I apologized for that.
Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you.
Dwight: Michael, I...
Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight: It's close.


Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis: Keep me out of it.


Pam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.


Michael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny: What's up?
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!


Pam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.


Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.


Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl: We're loading at one.
Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]
Darryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael: All right, see you at one.


Michael: Are we ready for the game?
Everybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah.
Michael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."
Jim: That's him.
Michael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why "of course"?
Michael: Uh...
Stanley: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: OK.
Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: I have a sports bra.
Michael: No, no, ridiculous.
Dwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can]
Missed it...
Michael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight: Can I be team captain?
Michael: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight: Can I be team manager?
Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight: Assistant team manager?
Michael: No.
Dwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim: Oh my God.
Michael: Threat neutralized.


Michael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!
Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.


Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl: Just getting a tea bag.
Michael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
Darryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?
Michael: What?
Darryl: You're on.
Michael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up.


Michael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.


Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.


Jim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.


Jim: You coming down?
Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim: Whoa.
Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.


Michael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.
Jim: Have a good game man.
Roy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan: I stretched before I came.
Michael: OK.


Michael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Dwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins!
Michael: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael: On. Just put it on.
Dwight: You sure?
Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Michael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Teammates: Yeah!
Roy: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Dwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap]
Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
Warehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team.
Michael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]
Pam: Woo!


Michael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.


Michael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy: OK.
Michael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK.


Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.


Michael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!


Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.


Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!
Jim: My bad.
Darryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Lonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there.
Michael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot?


Michael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]
Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
Roy: All right, let's go.


Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.
Madge: Hey! Come on man!
Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face!
Madge: Yeah, like that counts.
Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...


Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...


Michael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
Roy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim: You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.


Michael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.


Darryl: Block, block, block!
Madge: He's afraid of you now.
Michael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?


Michael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!
Roy: What the hell man?
Jim: Take it easy.
Roy: No, you take it easy.


Michael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!


Ryan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight.
Michael: Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yes!


Michael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Angela: You're ahead.
Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go!
Michael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker: I'm sorry.
Michael: Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl: Take your shot man!
Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker: No it wasn't.
Michael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...
Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela: This is a cold pack...
Dwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes]
Michael: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl: That was you.
Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.
Darryl: Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael: Hey, hey...
Lonny: Monday?
Michael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.


Jim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: I didn't sign anything.
Roy: Hey baby.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub.
Roy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub.


Michael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar: What time do we have to come in?
Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.


Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.

The Alliance

Dwight: Michael!?
Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael: There's no downsizing.
Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.


Michael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...


Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.


Stanley: Why'd you do this?
Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?


Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael: Next person on the...
Pam: Oh.
Michael: ...calendar.
Pam: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.
Michael: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Pam: But it's not until next month.
Michael: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam: You still want to have a party?
Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Michael: [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.


Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis: Yeah?
Angela: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...
Pam: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.


Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.


Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is... her birthday.
Michael: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?


Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...


Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.


Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep]


Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."


Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.


Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?


Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim: What? No.
Dwight: Just now.
Jim: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight: Mmm hmm.
Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight: Done.
Jim: All right.


Michael: [to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." [pretends to vomit and laughs]


Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight: Only one way to find out.
Jim: I'm on it.


Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell, from the body language.


Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.


Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance


Toby: I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is very good.


Dwight: Damn it. God!
Jim: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.


Michael: [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...
Michael: What?
Oscar: Donate to the charity?
Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.
Oscar: That's... that's... that's very generous.
Michael: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...


Pam: [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Jim: Sure, what's up?
Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim: Oh no?
Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam: OK, yeah.
Dwight: Jackpot.


Jim: That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.


Michael: [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: [laughs] Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.


Jim: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim: What? What?
Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do.
Jim: [gives Dwight a high five] Great.


Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.


Dwight: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim: Good.


Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.


Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim: Thank you, thank you. OK.


Everybody: Surprise!
Meredith: Oh! Surprise.
Angela: No, it's ah...
Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everybody: [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you.
Michael: Find a key.
Everybody: Happy birthday...


Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim: Right... That's good.


Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.


Everybody: [singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...
Michael: And many more!


Stanley: Last year, five years ago...
Michael: You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith: Yes.
Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.


Pam: He's in a box?
Jim: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.


Pam: [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...
Dwight: [box falls over] Oh.


Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael: Is Oscar around?


Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael: I know...
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son of a bitch. That is impressive.


Pam: Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card]
Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still."
Michael: [under his breath] I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I... I get it. It's funny.
Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis: Oh, boy... You...
Michael: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Oscar: Per mile.
Michael: Per mile, yes.


Michael: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.


Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team.


Michael: I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."


Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK?


Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that.


Jim: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Jim: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam: [laughing] That's perfect!
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Roy: [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Jim: No, no, dude, no.
Pam: Hey, Hey!
Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Pam: Come on.
Jim: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam: It's just office pranks.
Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy: [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Dwight: I have absolutely no idea.
Roy: Come on.


Dwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Dwight: [With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

Health Care

Jim:

- Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight:

- I'm not mad, I just wanna know who did it so that I can punish them.

Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one? Anal fissures.

Kevin: that's a real thing

Dwight: yeah, but no one here has it

Kevin: Someone has it

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight: So I can lower it.

Diversity Day

Jim: Thanks Dwight

Dwight: retaliation. Tit for tit.

Jim: that is not eh ewpression.

Dwight: Well it should be.

Michael:

- This, is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outa here.

Pam: if i have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.

Dwight: oh man, Am I a Woman?

Oscar: both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.

Michael: Wow, this a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right? um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Kevin: hey

Angela: hey

Kevin: you wanna go to the beach?

Angea: sure

Kevin: you wanna get high?

Angela: No

Kevin: I think you do, mon.

Pilot

Michael Scott:

- Am I going to tell them? No, I don't see the point of that. As a doctor you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

- Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar... Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake... That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker.

- My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. I was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the counrty, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, will you be, the Godfather of my child?' Wow... Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Dwight:

- One word, two syllables: Demarcaiton.

Dwight Schrute Quote on HERO

Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.

Dwight Schrute: Ah, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.

Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?

Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.

Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.

Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.Dwight Schrute: [role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! I'm a woman?

Creed Quotes of the Day

Creed: "you never go by Monopoly man. That Game is nuts. You don't just come by Get Out Of Jail Free cards, those things cost thousands. Declaring bankruptcy the only choice it's a fresh start"
Michael: "Like the Whitness Protection Program?"
Creed: "Exactly"

"Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider."

"Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it! The last person to do this disapeared. His name? Creed Bratton..."

"There's a great soupkitchen is Downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup of thursdays... I'll probably give the money to them."

CREED BRATTON QUOTES

Creed: "did you know that a human go go on living for several hours after losing its head"

Dwight: "I think you're thinking of a chicken."

Creed: "What did I say"

FIGHT THE POWER

Creed: "Honestly, I love stealing things."

the office

the office is the best show on earth! I have every episode memorized... and I am kinda addicted to it.